How to deal with a child who wants everything they see
The asking is not a character flaw. It is a young child meeting a world full of things. Why it happens, what to say in the moment, and the habits that make the store easier.
Expect it, and plan for it. Wanting everything is normal for young children, who are still years away from understanding that ads and displays are built to persuade. Say the plan before you walk in, give them a job, keep a wish list for “not today” items, offer small either-or choices, and hold your no calmly and the same way each time. Letting them spend a little money of their own turns asking into choosing.
Every aisle, every checkout, every toy catalog that lands in the mailbox: “Can I have it? Can I have it? Please?” If you are searching for how to deal with a child who wants everything, take a breath first. You are not raising a greedy kid. You are raising a young child, and wanting things out loud is one of the most ordinary things young children do.
The good news is that this phase responds well to a few calm, repeatable habits. None of them need a lecture, and none of them need you to say yes more often.
Why kids want everything they see
Part of it is simply newness. To a four-year-old, a store is a museum where you are allowed to take things home. Part of it is that young children cannot yet see the persuasion around them.
A 2013 review for the UK’s Money Advice Service, by University of Cambridge researchers David Whitebread and Sue Bingham, summarizes the research on children and advertising. It reports that children generally come to understand the persuasive intent of advertising only between about 7 and 9. In one study it cites, just 1 percent of 4 and 5 year olds said the goal of an ad was “to try and make you buy things,” rising to 28 percent of 6 to 8 year olds. Bright boxes and cartoon characters on the packaging are made to catch the eye, and your child takes them at face value.
The same review notes that telling wants from needs is cognitively and emotionally demanding for very young children. So when your child melts down over a toy they forgot about five minutes later, they are not being manipulative. They are being five.
How to deal with a child who wants everything: 8 habits that help
1. Say the plan before you walk in
“We’re here for milk, bread and bananas. We’re not buying toys today.” A plan stated in the car is much easier to hold than a no invented in the toy aisle. If a treat is on the table, say so up front, and say how much: “You can pick one snack for the ride home.”
2. Give them a job
A child who is busy finding the bananas is not scanning for toys. Let them hold the list, cross things off or find items on the shelf. The Cambridge review points out that a shopping list helps people put what is needed ahead of what is wanted. Your child gets to practice that without a word of explanation.
3. Keep a wish list
“That’s a great one. Let’s put it on your wish list.” Snap a photo or write it down. The wish list is not a trick. It is a real place for wants to go, and you can look at it together before a birthday or the holidays. Many items quietly drop off once the moment passes, and the ones that stay are the ones your child truly cares about.
4. Name the want
“You really love that dinosaur. It has huge teeth.” Saying out loud what your child feels does not mean you are buying it. It just tells them you heard them, which often takes the heat out of the request.
5. Offer small choices, not open questions
The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests offering small, directed choices rather than yes-or-no questions when a child is upset. At the store that might sound like “Do you want to push the cart or hold the list?” or “Should we get the apples or the pears?” Your child gets some control, and the toy is no longer the only thing to decide.
6. Turn yes and no into either-or
When something is on offer, make it a choice between two: “We can get the stickers or the bubbles today, not both.” Weighing one thing against another is the beginning of understanding value, which we cover in how to teach kids the value of money.
7. Let them use their own money
When your child has a few dollars of their own, from a birthday card or a small job, the question changes from “Will you buy it?” to “Do I want to spend mine on it?” That is a very different conversation. Our guide to save, spend, share jars shows one easy way to set this up.
8. Hold the no calmly, and the same way each time
Some days there will still be tears. The AAP’s advice on tantrums is reassuring here: tantrums are a normal part of development, consistency from day to day is key to making them less frequent, and it is fine to choose your battles. Set your child up for success, too. If meltdowns peak when they are hungry or tired, bring a snack and shop after the nap when you can.
What to say in the moment
- “Not today. Let’s put it on your wish list.”
- “You can spend your own money on it, or save it for something else.”
- “Is this a today thing or a save-for-it thing?”
- “I know. It’s hard to leave things we like.”
- “We’re buying what’s on our list. Can you find the bread?”
Pick two or three and use them every time. Kids learn from hearing the same calm words many times, not from one big talk.
Wish lists and the holiday season
From November on, the asking can feel nonstop. A few ideas families use to keep the season manageable:
- One list, kept in one place. Every “I want” goes on it, which makes saying “not now” much easier.
- A short list to send. Before the holidays, ask your child to choose their top few from the long list. Choosing is the skill.
- A giving moment. Let your child pick something to give, whether that is a toy for a donation drive or a drawing for a grandparent. Wanting and giving can live side by side.
Picture books about wanting things
A story lets your child watch someone else get the gimmies, which is a lot easier than being told they have them.
The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies
Brother and Sister Bear have a bad case of the “gimmies,” and whenever they don’t get what they want, they throw a tantrum. Gran and Gramps come up with a plan to help. Part of the publisher’s First Time Books collection, it gives your family a shared word for the feeling: “Uh oh, are we getting the gimmies?”
Just Shopping with Mom
Ages 3 to 7Little Critter goes to the grocery store with his mom and siblings, wanting to push the cart, pick the best apples and get his sister out of the candy aisle. It is funny and familiar, and it shows the store from a child’s point of view.
For more titles, see our list of the best books for kids about money.
When to talk to your pediatrician
Big feelings in the store are normal, and the AAP notes that tantrums tend to get better after age 3. If outbursts are very frequent, very intense, involve hitting or biting that does not ease, or you are simply worried, it is always fine to bring it up with your child’s pediatrician. For the everyday version, see our guide to 5 year old tantrums.
Questions parents ask
Is it normal for a child to want everything?
Yes. Young children are surrounded by new things and cannot yet see the persuasion in ads and displays. Research summarized for the UK’s Money Advice Service found that children generally understand the persuasive intent of advertising only between about 7 and 9.
How do I say no to my child without a meltdown?
Say the plan before you walk into the store, give your child a job, and offer small choices instead of a yes-or-no question. Then hold the no calmly and the same way each time. Some tears are still normal, and consistency over time is what makes them less frequent.
What are the gimmies?
“The gimmies” is a common nickname for the stage when a child asks for almost everything they see. It is also the title of a classic picture book, The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies. It is a normal phase, not a sign that a child is spoiled.
Should I let my child buy things with their own money?
Yes, within limits. Spending a small amount of their own money turns “Will you buy it?” into “Do I want to spend mine on it?” If they regret a purchase, that is a cheap and useful lesson, not a failure.
Sources
Written by the WonderLab Journal editorial desk and checked against the sources above. Found something out of date? Tell us through the corrections page.
